Animal Diaries

This came to us the other day via e-mail. I think all pet-owners will appreciate....

The Diary of a Dog

8:00 AM: Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM: A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 AM: A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 AM: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM: Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM: Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM: Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Diary of a Cat

It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... For now.